my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
