i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
