Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
