We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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