I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
