The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
