I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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