I think I won the penis lottery.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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