Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
