she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Randomize
