The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I touched a dick in church today
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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