My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Actions speak louder than pants.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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