Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize