grandma shit on top of the toilet
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
