i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize