we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
