I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
