Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
