Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize