Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize