I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
