I wish I could teleport
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
These tits shall not be calmed
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
