i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
