Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
