Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
