My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
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