I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
