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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
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