Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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