i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
