I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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