so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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