he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
