I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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