stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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