Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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