I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
