His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
