my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
