Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
