so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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