ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
