He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize