Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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