Pants 0. Shit 1.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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