Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
