Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
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