I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize