I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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