he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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