My hand turned me down
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
