I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
