My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
