Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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