I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
and she was petting her beer can
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
