peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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